Setting up rules at home
Creating boundaries is crucial in raising our children. By setting up family rules, children learn to follow them, which is vital for their future as our society has norms that must be respected.
Rules serve as guidelines agreed upon by each institution, including the family, and they shape the expected behaviors to follow. These well-established rules play a vital role in a child’s development for several reasons:
BENEFITS OF SETTING RULES AT HOME FOR CHILD DEVELOPMENT:
- Providing guidance on appropriate behavior for various situations and setting clear expectations.
- Bringing structure and organization to a child’s life, instilling a sense of control that fosters proper psychological development.
- Offering security and protection as children understand that following rules ensures their safety, as set by their caring parents.
- Fostering the development of self-control.
When establishing rules, it’s crucial to consider the child’s age and developmental stage. Age-appropriate rules help strike a balance, avoiding excessive permissiveness that may lead to impatience and demanding behavior, or excessive rigidity that can demotivate the child and affect their self-image and confidence..
TIPS FOR ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES AT HOME:
- POSITIVE APPROACH:
When setting rules or behavioral guidelines, adopt a constructive approach that emphasizes what should be done instead of what should not be done. Express expectations in affirmative terms, highlighting the desired actions and behaviors expected from family members in specific situations.
Formulating rules with negative statements can have various adverse effects on family dynamics. It may promote a restrictive mindset, hinder the learning of positive values, generate resentment, and encourage searching for loopholes in the rules. Moreover, it can limit the development of intrinsic responsibility among family members. Therefore, it is preferable to use a positive approach that focuses on desired behavior, fostering a more collaborative and understanding atmosphere at home.
For instance:
Positive Formulation (Early Age):
“We will walk carefully inside the house to avoid accidents.”
This emphasizes the desired behavior: walking carefully to prevent accidents. It helps the child understand how to behave correctly and avoids excessive focus on actions to be avoided.
Negative Formulation (Early Age):
“We don’t run inside the house; we don’t want accidents.”
The negative formulation emphasizes what should not be done: running inside the house. The child may not fully grasp why running is discouraged and could feel tempted to do so. Additionally, they might not know what alternative behavior is appropriate to avoid running.
Positive Formulation (Advanced Age):
“We collaborate on household tasks and contribute to maintaining order and cleanliness.”
This highlights the desired behavior: working together on household tasks and maintaining order and cleanliness. It fosters a proactive and participatory attitude among all family members.
Negative Formulation (Advanced Age):
“Don’t leave your things messy, and don’t shirk responsibilities in household tasks.”
It focuses on what should not be done: leaving things messy and avoiding responsibilities in household tasks. As mentioned earlier, it is more effective to concentrate on the positive and encourage each member to contribute positively to the household’s functioning.
- CLARITY:
Rules should be clear and understandable. Depending on the child’s age, the rules should be explained in different ways.
For example:
Clear rule (early age):
“Before going to bed, we always pick up our toys and put them on the designated shelf.”
This rule specifically and directly states what is expected from the child before bedtime: picking up toys and placing them in a specific location (the shelf). The child can clearly understand what is expected of them and how to comply with the rule.
Unclear rule (early age):
“We tidy up the room before sleeping.”
The unclear rule leaves room for interpretation. Telling the child to be tidy does not provide clear guidance on what they should do. It can lead to confusion and does not guarantee that the child understands exactly what specific actions are expected of them before sleeping.
Clear rule (advanced age):
“We respect the agreed-upon curfew when returning home after hanging out with friends.”
The clear rule establishes a single indication and is specific: respecting the agreed-upon time when coming back home after hanging out with friends and not extending the outing. This way, the teenager clearly understands the time expectation.
Unclear rule (advanced age):
“We try to come home at a reasonable time when hanging out with friends.”
The unclear rule is less specific and does not set a concrete curfew or provide a reference on how to manage time away from home. This can lead to the teenager not clearly understanding the expectations and unintentionally arriving late, which could cause conflicts or misunderstandings with parents. What may be ‘reasonable’ for the teenager may not be the same for the parents.
- PROVIDING REASONS:
Explaining to children why they should follow the rules is crucial as it fosters a deeper and more meaningful understanding of the reasons behind these rules. When children grasp the purpose and importance of adhering to the rules, they become more motivated and committed to voluntary compliance. Moreover, this understanding enables them to develop a sense of responsibility and self-discipline by internalizing the values and principles that underlie the rules.
For example:
Rule explanation (Early age):
“Before going to play at the park, we always make sure to pick up our toys and leave them in their place.”
Reason: This is important because it keeps your toys safe and prevents them from getting lost. It also teaches you to be responsible and take care of your belongings. When your toys are organized, it’s easier to find them for the next playtime and keeps our home tidier and nicer for everyone.
Rule explanation (Advanced age):
“When using the bicycle, we always wear a protective helmet.”
Reason: It is vital to wear your protective helmet every time you ride your bike. The helmet is designed to protect your head in case of a fall or accident, preventing serious injuries. We want you to have fun on your bike while staying safe. Remember that even the most experienced cyclists can have unexpected accidents, so it’s best to be prepared and protected. Wearing the helmet is an easy and responsible way to take care of yourself and continue enjoying bike rides with peace of mind.
- FIRMNESS:
When parents explain rules with firmness and confidence, they convey a sense of authority and consistency in their expectations. This is essential for establishing clear and predictable boundaries for children, providing them with the necessary structure for their development and well-being. By using a serious and firm tone instead of resorting to yelling or threats, parents demonstrate respect and emotional control, facilitating more effective communication with children. A clear and firm expression also helps children understand that the rules are not negotiable and must be followed. It is important to balance firmness with empathy and understanding towards children’s feelings and perspectives, contributing to building a relationship of trust and cooperation within the family. Ultimately, a firm and confident explanation of the rules allows children to feel safe and protected while learning to develop self-regulation and responsibility in their behavior.
- CONSISTENCY:
Establishing and enforcing rules consistently is crucial for a child’s education. When parents establish a rule, they should be aware that it must be consistently applied, even when they are tired or upset. Children learn through repetition and consistency, so if a rule constantly changes based on parents’ mood, it can lead to confusion and disruptive behavior. Moreover, it is essential for both parents to be in agreement about the rules and apply them equally. If mom and dad send conflicting messages or use different consequences, the child may become confused and end up doing whatever they want. Consistent rule enforcement provides children with a sense of security and structure, helping them understand expectations and develop positive habits. When both parents are aligned and maintain open communication about the rules, it strengthens the family bond and fosters a trusting and collaborative atmosphere at home.
- POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT:
Using positive reinforcement is an effective strategy to motivate and reinforce the child’s adherence to rules. When the child follows a rule, it’s important to offer genuine and specific praise, letting them know that their good behavior has been noticed. Praising and acknowledging their efforts positively reinforces the desired behavior and gives them a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. This positive reinforcement enhances their self-esteem and confidence, fostering a positive environment where they feel valued and appreciated. Positive reinforcement can take various forms, such as words of encouragement, hugs, applause, or even small presents. Consistently employing positive reinforcement encourages the child to continue following the rules and develop positive habits.
For example:
Positive Reinforcement (Early Age):
“Great job! You picked up all your toys like a champion! I’m very proud of you! Now we know you can always keep your things in order. Thank you for being so helpful at home!”
Positive Reinforcement (Advanced Age):
“Well done! Today, you demonstrated a strong commitment to safety! By always wearing a helmet when riding your bike, you show that you care about your well-being and responsibly follow the rules. It’s fantastic to see you taking care of yourself while having fun!”
- SEPARATING THE CHILD’S BEHAVIOR:
It is crucial to distinguish a child’s behavior from their self-worth. Every child makes mistakes or may not always comply with rules as they go through their learning and developmental process. When a child doesn’t follow a rule, it’s essential to address the specific behavior without making negative comments about their character. Instead of labeling the child as “bad” or “disobedient,” we should explain to them clearly and respectfully that a certain action is not appropriate according to the established rules. By doing so, we provide them with an opportunity to learn and correct their behavior without feeling criticized or judged as a person. This approach fosters a supportive and understanding environment, where the child feels safe to learn and grow, nurturing a positive and healthy self-esteem.
For example:
Parents’ response, separating the behavior:
“I noticed that you haven’t picked up your toys after playing. Remember, the rule is to put them in the box to keep our play area tidy. How about we pick them up together right now? That way, our room will be tidy, and your toys will be ready to play with next time.”
In this example, the parent addresses the rule violation without criticizing the child. They gently remind the rule and offer the child an opportunity to correct their behavior with the help of the adult.
Parents’ response, not separating the behavior:
“You are so messy! I don’t understand why you never pick up your toys after playing. You are very careless and disorganized. This is unacceptable!”
In this example, the parents react negatively and personalize the child’s behavior. They use disqualifying adjectives (“messy,” “careless,” “disorganized”) to describe the child, implying criticism towards their person rather than focusing on the specific behavior.
In conclusion, establishing clear and age-appropriate rules is vital to promote a child’s overall development and prepare them to face life’s challenges successfully. With love, patience, and effective communication, we can create a nurturing family environment where our children can grow into responsible, respectful, and independent individuals.